I could really use becoming a vampire right about now. it’s so romantic, so horrifying, so gruesome. gimme it
I know there’s a lesson in everything but like 🥺 I’ve had enough
Dear Life,
You win. I went out on this journey to a new state, a new place, a new everything so I can see who I can become. To see if I can achieve greatness. Did it happen? No. Am I stronger? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. I did not succeed at all. I am now running back to the start line instead of finishing the race. I just don’t know who I am. I don’t know why I am here. I don’t know anything. I just want to isolate from the world. I want nothing but the simple things. If this was a test to grow up, well that I did. I realized how hard you have to work. Im not talking about working hard at a job. I mean how much you have to work hard on yourself everyday. You need to love yoursef before anyone. And thats the hardest thing I had to learn. Everything around you can break you. Some people actually try to break you. But believing in yourself is the only thing that makes it ok. Remember when you were little and you watched movies and shows about magic. If you believe in magic then everything will be ok, good will beat bad. However, theres no good or bad in the real world. Its is this good for you or bad for you. If you believe in yourself youll always choose good because whatever makes you stronger makes you happy. Support, love, friendship, career, hobbies, selfless acts, all these things you have to choose based on how much you want to live happily ever after. Well based on my whole life thats my one problem. Boys tell me over and over again. Friends. Family. Random strangers. Even me going to NC is proof of my insecurities. I was running from myself. I always had a hard time fitting in with people here but it makes sense. I need to go home. I need to confront real Michelle. I need Shelley and Michelle to become one. Nothing will ever go right here because i need me. I will say I have learned a whole lot about myself being here. Like I said I grew up. I struggled and prevailed. People showed me my limits. I will miss some people here. I did find some happiness in it. But its not going to be good enough until I go back and face mysef. I wrote blogs almost everyday for a year and i remember saying this will be a new beginning. It will be a new me. A new me because I hated the real me. And now 3 years later I realized I am running from myself and I will never get anywhere if I dont realize who that is. Who is Michelle Bedic? Michelle Katarina Bedic is a soon to be hair stylist. Shes a side artist and a fitness junky. Hobbies include: puzzles, coloring books, reading, painting/drawing, video games, and going to the gym. I just can change and be this. I can finally relax, but not around this life I gave myself. And thats because I didnt love myself enough to try harder or say no. I want to see someone real in the mirror.
Xoxo,
Shelley
Dear Demi,
(Its that time again and look at that a new name.)Fuck where do I even start. You really fucked me up. I haven’t met someone so awesome, so genuine, so down to earth like you. Yeah we haven’t been talking long but man we hit it off. Were so good together. Everything between us feels right. Idk I tried to explain to you about me, about who I am, how my emotions are me and if I let them loose, all hell is loose. So if Im upset because I dont want to share you I’ll probably start to feel insecure and then start thinking some wild shit. This is the only reason I feel like we should go our separate ways. But if the balls in my court, it will never happen. I like you too much. And shit if you are going to sit here and be selfish then fuck I will too. You wanna go on dates? Fine lets go. You wanna fuck? Shit why not. You wanna just kick it and smoke and chill? Im down. You wanna sit on a bench at 2(?) am and talk until the sun rises? Lets goooo. But I am doing it for me. I’m not doing it to impress you or to put in effort. Give me the confidence I need, to go out there, and meet new people so I can find myself who I really need. Just like you are doing rn. You even say it yourself how I boost your ego. Shit I know I do it a lot but its because I like keeping my man happy. Compliments. That keeps people happy. Theres a lot of things I did that I would only do for my mans and now I have to stop. I cant let you take all these nice things and then when a pretty girl that gets your dick hard comes by you want to get to know her and text her. That right there is not cool. I hope that a little bit of patience and self love gets me through this cause honestly I still wanna see where this goes. You and I were interesting and I deff want more.
Xoxo,
Shelley
